The Highway Food Fight

It started with a piece of paper.

To be fair, it actually started with an invitation.  Mike’s family was renting a cottage, and they said he could bring a friend.  He asked to bring two.  That was how Wade and Rob came to be traveling down Highway 48 in Mike’s red Chevette.

Mike had bought the Chevette not long before and it was his baby.  It was his ticket to freedom. The kind of freedom that every teenage boy longs for.  The freedom of the open road; the freedom to go wherever you wanted, play your music as loud as you liked…and Mike liked his music loud.  At one point, Rob helped him install a megaphone under the hood, so that they could broadcast the sound even further.  It didn’t sound good, but that wasn’t the point.

The three boys were good friends, and they were at the age where anything could happen.  They were young enough to think they were invincible.  They were old enough to be given the opportunity to prove it.

So, there they were, speeding down highway 48, on their way to the cottage.  Mike was driving, Wade was riding shotgun and Rob was in the back playing on a Gameboy.  One of the drawbacks of the Chevette was its lack of air conditioning, but that was a small problem on a beautiful summer day when you could roll the windows down and drive fast.

It was perfect.  And then came the piece of paper.  It was a small piece of garbage; litter really.  And it shouldn’t have been the start of anything, but by some fluke of the wind, or perhaps fate, the litter hit the Chevette.  It came from the car ahead.  Another car, piloted by young men, maybe a few years older, but still young and foolish.  It is unlikely that they intended anything by the act.  It’s unlikely that they even knew what had happened, but that didn’t change the fact that the litter hit the Chevette.  The litter hit Mike’s baby, and like any good parent, Mike was protective of his baby.

Rob, in the back with his face in a screen, didn’t even know anything was happening until they pulled out to pass and Wade took some their own garbage, a McDonald’s paper bag, and threw it at the car as they passed. 

It wasn’t completely obvious that he threw it at them, but it wasn’t entirely subtle either.  And that could have been the end of it.  It should have been the end of it.  It was an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.  No real harm was done on either side.  But as is often the case in war, fairness is not always the highest priority.  In any kind of altercation, it usually takes one party to be the bigger person to end the conflict before it escalates.  And when two carloads full of testosterone are flying down the highway; both sides feeling like they have been slighted, escalation was inevitable.

The boys didn’t expect what came next, but after it was all over, they all admitted to being impressed by it.  As the other car was retaking the lead, the passenger leaned far out his window and threw, with perfect accuracy an opened, and mostly full, carton of chocolate milk.  It was a one in a thousand shot, but it was a thing of beauty. 

As the carton entered Mike’s window, the wind pressed it against his headrest, and as the carton opening flapped in the wind, the chocolate milk continually sprayed the interior of the vehicle with the brown liquid.  It was a marvel that Mike was able to keep the car on the road while being showered with 500 millilitres of dairy.

The boys managed to get rid of the offending projectile, but the damage had been done.  War had been declared.  And though the other car didn’t realize it, they had just started a highway food fight.  In any battle, ammunition must be considered, and the boys were sitting on an arsenal of ammunition.

Before setting out, Rob’s mom had emptied out the freezer.  Having two teenage sons herself, she had an idea of what it would take to feed three of them, and she wanted to do her part.  She filled a box.  Frozen orange juice from concentrate.  Eggs.   Loaves of bread.  A pound of bacon.  Fruit and vegetables, both fresh and frozen.  Hot dogs and buns along with any number of other items.  She even set out to make Rice Krispy squares but realized halfway through making them that she was out of Rice Krispies.  She substituted Cheerios, figuring that both were breakfast cereal.  Mike and Wade both claimed they were fine, but Rob could never bring himself to try them.  The abnormality of it offended his senses in a way he just couldn’t get past.

The boys had a stockpile of ammunition, and every soldier had a role.  Mike was the pilot, and it was his job to keep them in front.  It was a role he had been training for since he got his license, and he performed beautifully.  From that moment on, he never lost the lead, regardless of what the other car did.  Since the car was a hatchback and he was in the back, Rob was the loader.  He chose what ordinance would be next, searching through the box of groceries for the next missile to be fired.  And Wade?  Wade was the bombardier, the gunner.  His job was, perhaps the most difficult, but without question, the most fun.  He would take the projectile from Rob and leaning out the window, taking into account the wind, he would fire away. 

Some foods are more suitable for a highway food fight than others.  The eggs were perfect, as you might expect.  Even the frozen concentrated orange juice was effective, it had been sitting in the sun and was mostly melted, so Wade simply had to shoot it into the air, holding onto the can while the thick juice sprayed on the other car’s windshield.  The loaves of bread were less useful, but no less fun.  Every hit, regardless of the long-term effect on the enemy was met by cheers and bouts of gut-bursting laughter.  Every hotdog that bounced harmlessly off the other vehicle was a tick in the win column.

As they got towards the bottom of the box, Rob opened the package of bacon.  He decided to hand them up one piece at a time.  If they had been a few years older, it is likely that neither Wade nor Rob would have wanted to get their hands dirty.  They had nothing to clean the grease off their hands, other than their pants or the car seat.  But they were just the right age not to care.  So, Wade took what he was given and fired it off at the car behind, mostly missing, but hitting enough to infuriate the occupants of the other car.  Rob looked out the back window and saw the looks on the other boy’s faces.  What seemed hilarious to Mike, Wade and Rob didn’t seem to be as funny to them.  Rob also noticed that the other boys may not have been boys after all.  He might have used the term “men” instead.

Highway 48 is one of those backroad highways that is usually only one lane in either direction.  But it was also a highway that came to an end.  In the town of Coboconk, it intersects with Highway 35 at a set of lights.  It occurred to the boys that they were just a few minutes away from coming to a red light with a carload of angry men behind them.  They also remembered that there was a police station at that corner and, while they weren’t positive if throwing food was technically littering, they didn’t want to find out the hard way.  The big hope was that they would hit the intersection at the perfect time and be blessed with a green light.  But it was not to be.  And as they came to the inevitable red light, the other car came flying beside them, screeching to a halt on the shoulder about twenty feet away.  The passenger door was open before the car even came to a full stop. 

As it turned out, Wade had only thrown half a pound of bacon at the other car.  Rob had been saving the other half for this moment.  As the driver started to open his door, Rob leaned forward, past Wade and threw a backhand lob.  If the carton of milk had been a one in a thousand shot, the bacon ball was one in a million.  As the driver got one foot on the ground, ready to vault out of the car, the bacon ball sailed through the air.  Afterwards, no one was sure if the bacon ball went through the driver’s open window or through the small gap between the door and the roof, but they all knew the result.  The bacon ball landed in the driver’s lap and exploded like some kind of pork belly grenade. 

The look on the driver’s face was a mixture of shock and awe, quickly replaced with red-eyed fury.  He swore loudly and began to re-pack the bacon ball as his passenger rounded the back of their car and made a dash for the Chevette. 

Although the light had not yet changed, and despite the fact that there was a police station within shouting distance, Mike decided they had waited long enough.  As he hit the gas, the driver of the other car, finally out of his seat, threw the re-formed bacon ball at the Chevette, leaving a round smear of grease on the back window.  Mike, meanwhile, turned left into oncoming traffic, driving on the shoulder in the opposite direction until a gap formed and he was able to get across into the right lane.

Though there was a smear on the window and countless droplets of chocolate milk drying inside the car, the boys cheered loudly.  They held their heads high, knowing that they had won what would be referred to over and over again when they re-told the story as: the highway food fight.